R2K?

I would like to take a moment and thank those who disagree with the Two Kingdoms view for at least calling it "R2K," which, as I recall from my Seminary days, means Reformed Two Kingdoms. I am thankful they grant that the Two Kingdom view is the Reformed view.

Life Used to be Nearly Perfect

As should be evident from my last post, I've been in a nostalgic mood lately. I just had to share this video from 1991 (I was 9 years old) which some of you may get a kick out of. Notice that whereas today we have rioting, looting, and murdering in the streets, life used to be so much better. Just look at this video where the biggest problem facing parents is children who needed therapy for having become "Ninten-pendent." I only wish my writing was good enough to get across the tongue-in-cheeky-ness of the last two sentences.

Bishop Mark Driscoll

It was announced yesterday that Mars Hill Church in Seattle will no longer have campuses. They will now call them "churches." You know what this means now, of course - Say hello to Bishop Mark Driscoll!


In all seriousness, it makes no sense to me for churches who follow a congregational model to adopt what is, in essence, an episcopal form of church government - minus the pageantry. Hopefully the picture isn't taken as being too inflamatory. All in good fun, I say! Go ahead and put up a picture of Ligon Duncan in a J. Crew polo with the collars turned up; won't bother me in the least!

Isaac Asimov - Expert Hermeneutist

"Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived." -Isaac Asimov

What Asimov is really saying is that the Bible, read the way which he defines as proper, is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.

Ooh wait, I have an idea. We can apply these literary methods consistently, I believe: (*ahem*)

"Isaac Asimov's novels, properly read, are the most potent force for Ludditism ever conceived." -Adam Parker

If you read them "properly," of course. That's the key.

Help Me Kill This Puppy

After my last two posts generated absolutely zero protests, I decided that we must be able to really push the envelope here at Bring the Books. If it wasn't controversial to put Calvin onto Arny's body or call Transformationalists dummies, then I'm sure nobody will object to my calling for the execution of this adorable little creature of God. So here it is - my first step into the world of controversy - lets join together and agree that this puppy needs to be gone. All together now!

Hey, Carl Trueman...

Bear Grylls called. He wants his voice back.

Free Tim LeHaye Book!

I know that our readers are big fans of the Left Behind series. I also know that our readers love free e-books. Ergo, I am certain that this will be our most clicked post.

Have you ever wanted to know what a YOUNG tribulation force might look like? Well look no further - In the book Taken, it's just like the amazing and biblically accurate older tribulation force (complete with rebuilt temple and re-establishment of the system of sacrifice which I thought Jesus put away forever), except they're younger, which makes teens feel like they can relate.

I hope our readers don't trample one another in their rush to get this book, which is free on Amazon today.

If you are tempted to take every word of what I have said here literally, then please I beg you, read the tags for this post.

The Onion Understands the American Church

The Onion: Church Cancelled Due to Lack of God. After reading this satirical article in the Onion, I wonder how many churches shouldn't just close up shop anyway. After all, this piece isn't that far off. How many churches just keep doing church because they don't know of any better place to get together and do some singing once a week? My favorite zingers :

“I enjoyed the lovely singing during church service, and was very sad to see it go, particularly because I am a lonely septuagenarian waiting to die,” Mabel Graskowsky, 78, said. “But then Pastor explained to me that there are groups who get together just for singing only, and I could go to any one I wanted whenever I wished. Just singing! None of that boring inbetween stuff I always slept through. I’m much happier now.”
...
“I’m meeting once a week, not Sundays but on Wednesdays, with anyone who cares to join me. We won’t be worshipping anybody, just practicing my favorite hobby, horticulture. I’ll admit, it doesn’t have the power to grant eternal absolution from earthly pain, but at least flowers are real. We must cultivate our garden.”

I fear that many people in churches feel this way, but they are unwilling to give up the feeling of togetherness, the country-club atmosphere, the potlucks, the pleasing music, some free wine and friendly conversation. If you took away those things and left only God, I fear most churches would close their doors - and I daresay such a thing would be for the better. In fact, I can't help but think that such a thing has happened in places like China where there is no room for superficial niceties. If going to church means you could be detained or killed, only the serious need apply. In America where church is by and large a place for entertainment and creature comforts, precisely the opposite principle is in play.

ACE Atheist Chaplain Enterprises: Keeping You Out of the Faith

We at ACE Atheist Chaplain Enterprises have a saying: when the going get tough, you may need a boost to your faith (or lack thereof). Sure it's not a catchy saying, but it is a factual one. You may be new to your atheism, or you may have struggled with holding onto it all your life. But as this New York Times story explains, once you find yourself in a foxhole with Charlie breathing down your neck, you never know when you might be tempted to make a quick conversion, just in case you're looking for a little fire insurance.

Well never fear, because that's where ACE Chaplains come in. Our team of materialistic humanists will be there with you through the thick and thin. Feeling a little guilty because you cheated on your wife with one of the Korean drinking girls? We'll be there to remind you that there's no deity watching us. Can't kick that drinking habit? We'll be there to slip a little rum in your coke in the mess hall - just to get you through the morning. Thinking of browsing through a Bible, "just to see what it says?" We'll be waiting with a stack of pornography to keep your mind off of the so-called "big issues" of life. Maybe you're tired of your watching the guy next to you praying to Mecca five times a day. We'll let him know that's a bunch of nonsense.

At ACE, we know that it takes work to keep you out of the Kingdom of God. Temptations are all around you to draw you into the religious life. You need an advocate who can stand against the spiritual onslaught which you encounter throughout daily life. The Army's no cake walk, what with all the killing and swearing and guilt attached to your daily existence. You need someone to take your mind off of things by pulling you aside, putting an arm around your shoulder, and saying, "Hey! Carpe Diem."

On top of all these great benefits, our skilled chaplains can respond to your deepest doubts by reading the latest Christian "scholarship." Say you're afraid about what if you're wrong and there really is a hell. We're ready with something to think about: "You know, there are Christian theologians who say that hell really isn't even that bad. One of them even says that it's basically this emo place of existential angst that you can eventually get out of if you just start thinking positively. Not that there is a hell, or a God, of course... I'm just saying... if there was..."

Atheist Chaplain Enterprises. We'll be your humanistic influence. God knows you need one.

Communion Wafers Upgraded To Communion Bread

HATTER’S BLUFF, NY – In a move which prompted thunderous applause lasting over 15 minutes, the First Presbyterian Church of Hatter’s Bluff made the decision to move away from the decidedly unbiblical communion wafer towards the much more delicious, much more Christ-like loaf of fresh-baked sourdough bread.

Though the move was well-received, some in the church feel that sourdough is a move in the wrong direction. Some argue that Rye bread is the more “jewish” of the bread kingdom, and that it is, therefore, closer to the bread Jesus would have eaten. Others, however, feel that Jesus’ favorite bread is a European sweetbread. Says Tina Barfield, “The sweetness of the bread represents how sweet Jesus is towards those He has chosen.” Ron Henderson – a loyal deacon – agrees (albeit for different reasons), “Yeah. Sweet breads taste better, so I want them to use the best tasting bread.” Considering the prospect of using rye bread during the service elicits a shrill response, preceded by a loud shriek. “No. No, no, no! There is no way I will take the Lord’s supper if it tastes like cardboard and baby powder. Why not just put raisins or nuts in there while you're at it!?”

Some, however, have already begun Machivellian schemes to replace the Welch's grape juice with real wine. "These things take time," said our anonymous source. "You can't rush true reformation."

Steaky's! Same Great Name; Different Food That You Don't Expect!

We here at Bring the Books consider ourselves entrepreneurs. Believe it or not, this blog is a highly lucrative enterprise, generating literally dozens of dollars a month in bookstore credits at the Westminster Bookstore. We have now been presented with an opportunity to convert our bookstore credits into real money and invest in a tempting new business enterprise.

Many of you might remember the old fast food place, Steaky's. They were known for making sirloin steak burgers. Recently, they came under new management, and we received an offer from their main office to purchase a Steaky's franchise. These are difficult decisions, and so we decided to share the franchise pitch with all of you so we could get your opinion. Somehow, this just doesn't feel like the same old Steaky's that I remember...

Potential franchisee, congratulations! You are part of the elite group of people who are being invited to join us as investors in a tremendous business enterprise, carrying on the proud Steaky's name. There have been many questions about some of our more recent changes with Steaky's, and we want to take the opportunity to address those investor concerns.

For starters, many are concerned that with the new management, the name Steaky's has been rendered somewhat meaningless. As the argument goes, with a name like Steaky's, we should still serve the same food that everyone remembers. However, our decision to move from delicious, succulent, never frozen sirloin steak burgers to slightly dry, 0% beef 'Boka Burgers' is a very small change.

Yes, our previous customers knew what they were getting with a name like Steaky's, but we are going to address this problem with our new slogan: "Same great name, different food that you don't expect!" We think this is very catchy and will bring in handfuls of vegans from all over the countryside!

Many of our shareholders have asked why we don't simply change the name instead of taking over the old Steaky's name. There's a simple answer to that; Steaky's has a built in customer base that we have always wanted to belong to. If we changed the name to something more befitting our menu, we would almost certainly become unpopular in but a moment. It is much easier to slip in under peoples' radar by redefining the meaning of Steaky's than to be honest with people about what we are. Steaky's is an exclusive club, and we want to become part of it, even if it does require dishonesty and rendering the Steaky's name completely meaningless.

There are some people who have a problem with changing the definition of a 'restaurant' while keeping the name the same, but we know that you'll agree and look forward to our happy future together as we partner into this somewhat deceptive enterprise, selling 'Boka Burgers' to unsuspecting carnivores everywhere.

The Dry Well... Oh Well!

It's true, (sigh). The well is dry, right now, and since I'm not a pastor I have no training in getting blood from a stone. I've been busy, what with all my political scheming and revolution talk. And this just isn't the place for all of that. But fortunately, my sister happens to have written some pretty hilarious satire for the online magazine The Brew, tackling a subject ripe for the picking: "Christianese," the Christian lingo. Cleverly enough, she has written her piece in the form of a pamphlet introducing new believers into the Christian sub-culture. I think it's funny, and I know you guys will, as well. Also, since most of our readers probably tend toward Cessationism, I think you'll all appreciate her skewering of people feeling they are "led by God" to make bonehead decisions.

Enjoy!

A Beginner’s Guide to Christian Assimilation by Libby Parker

Announcing a Side-Project

Now, Bring the Books will always be my baby, but I do have another one on the way (both metaphorically and literally speaking). In the blogosphere world, I have chosen to start a side-project which I am entitling The Geneva Gazette.

Over time, I will be adding graphics and other visual flares, but until then, it will simply be an outlet for my own weird brand of humor. If you think like me, then you'll like it. If you don't think like me, then you're better off watching The Hills or Flava of Love.

I won't be writing on it constantly, so I recommend subscribing to the RSS feed from it, and reading whenever I post new ones. Also, if you like what I put up on the GG, drop me a comment and let me know you're reading it; it'll make me feel good.

Have a Laugh

A great new article over at Larknews.com:

After 50 Years in Pulpit, Retired Pastor Finally Has a Beer.

Keep your eyes peeled, because in the next few days, I plan on launching my own comedic news blog (very much in the spirit of The Onion and Larknews, but less dirty than The Onion). I'm still working on some names, but I think I like the name The Sunflower Gazette. Stay Tuned.

An Open Letter To Whomever Stole My Bike

Dear sir (or madame),

You have cut me to the quick; you have harmed me badly; you have struck me where it hurts most in this time of high gas prices: you have taken my only form of transportation to and from work.

Not only have I, a lowly college graduate with a pitifully useless degree in philosophy, been deprived by your actions of my only mode of transport, but I have been brought lower than what I thought was the lowest social level I could possibly sink to.

You see, previously, I drove a 2004 Honda Civic to work. Small, economical, fuel efficient, and a nice stereo. However, tragedy struck and my car was totalled. After that, I elected to ride my wife's bicycle to work rather than take on new debt. That's right; my WIFE's bike. I didn't even have my own; that's humiliating.

However, I proudly rode that girl's bicycle to work, day after day. Okay, not proudly. I was badly ashamed, but I rode with outward pride - my chin stuck out farther than Jay Leno's and higher than someone from New England meeting a Texan. I looked proud in the face of humiliation.

But this morning, upon realizing that my humiliating bicycle had been stolen by you out of MY garage, I went a step lower. I was forced to walk to work. Walk. Like a common BARBARIAN! Like a New Yorker! And while I was walking to work, I knew that you were out there somewhere, feeling guilty but also enjoying the wind in your hair, and a light burning in your legs from the effort of riding.

(A sidenote: you should be careful with fourth gear. It doesn't work at all. You really just have to skip from third to fifth gear, because it's a little touchy. And I just aired up the tires last night, so you should be good for awhile on that end of things.)

So there you were, riding freely, hair waving like Fabio (or possibly like someone with short hair) while I walked like a troglodytic neanderthal.

So what should I do about this situation? Well, I have a plan. And it's been hatching in my little mind since about five minutes ago when I realized this blog post would need an adequate conclusion: I can choose to forgive you for stealing my bike (unless Josh Walker's understanding of biblical forgiveness is correct, in which case I don't have to) or I can activate the Lojack I just happened to have installed three days before you decided to nick my ride.

I could also decide to call upon the outraged citizens of McPherson, KS to rise up and look for my bicycle in the form of an angry posse. If you have seen it, it is a purple and silver girl's bike with a bright orange bicycle chain on it. If you see it, call me, and we can form an alliance to set things right.

And by the way, sir (or madame): I am offering a reward of $5.00 to anyone who catches you. And so, in appropriate form, I end with a perfect (slightly modified) quote from Mel Gibson's wonderful film Ransom:

This is your ransom. [Five] dollars in unmarked bills, just like you wanted. But this is as close as you'll ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for my [bike]. Not one dime, not one penny. Instead, I'm offering this money as a reward on your head. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So congratulations, you've just become a [five] dollar lottery ticket... except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for [five] dollars? I don't think you do. I doubt it. So wherever you go and whatever you do, this money will be tracking you down for all time... But... and this is your last chance... you return my [bike], alive, uninjured, I'll withdraw the bounty. With any luck you can simply disappear. Understand... you will never see this money. Not one dollar. So you still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this Earth will be.

"Give me back my bike!"

[Just in case anyone thinks this is a joke, well... everything I just wrote above is true. My bike really was stolen this morning, and I am FUMING!]

Silver Lining:

Check out the AWESOME shirt my wife had made for me! My bike may have been stolen while I slept, but the thieves will have to RIP this one from my body as I sleep!

I'm smoking an American Spirit, and drinking Stella Artois.

For Those Who Like To Laugh

This faux-news-article is awesome. If you like to laugh, read it. If you do not like to laugh, well... you are probably a Presbyterian. [Snap!]

Obama Practices Looking-Off-Into-Future Pose

Here's another one for those who enjoy potshots at churches with coffee shops in them.

Church transforms into coffee chain

And last but not least:

DC Talk Reunite, To Their Dismay

Oh to laugh... Oh to cry tears of joy.

PCUSA...I Use to be One

For someone who was once in the Presbyterian Church in the U.S.A., I could not resist finding the humor in this cartoon and passing it on to our readers. Incidentally, this is one of the reasons I am now in the PCA.

From The Archives: Josh Walker Exposed!

Sure he presents himself as an intellectual giant - one not to be trifled with. Sure it's difficult to win a verbal debate with him. But how intimidated would the Arminians of the world be if they could see this picture!?



Or maybe those professors who think he's so attentive and awesome in class should take a look at this revealing image!



Finally, we have a blast from the past. The old days at Grand Canyon University when Calvinism - like punk music - was not only the truth, but a way to be different from all the Rick Warren-loving classmates.



Just look at those young men. Enjoying God's gifts as he intended them. The only thing missing was a pint of Guinness (which I'm sure Ben had stashed somewhere on his person). Shame on them! SHAME!

Occasionally Helpful Satire

If any of you read the Onion, you probably already know that they are not exactly the best source for solid news stories, but it is a good source for laughs. I was reading this morning and came across an article which I initially regarded as a throwaway piece. However, it now strikes me that this fake news story from The Onion is not only pretty funny but also somewhat insightful as to the ways that some people really must think about religion. Consider the fact that people are happy to come to Christianity as long as it is on their own terms, not God's. John Piper points out that God is honored when people come to Him because they want Him personally, and not because of the benefits He bestows. Having introduced my brief thoughts, give the article a read. It's pretty funny and I especially enjoyed the last line of the story, where Presbyterians make their own bid for the man's soul:

Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions

Does Bonhoeffer Live?

In a side-by-side comparison, I think you will all agree that our fellow blog-mate Jason Stellman bears an uncanny similarity to the German theologian and author of The Cost of Discipleship, Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Could it be that Elvis, 2Pac, and Bonhoeffer have all somehow managed to survive death and still walk among us (even though Bonhoeffer would be well into his 80s if he were alive today), writing cool blog entries and enjoying the musings of Bono coupled with the delayed echoing guitar of The Edge? It is possible, though ultimately unlikely.