Thursday, February 10, 2011

Communion Wafers Upgraded To Communion Bread

HATTER’S BLUFF, NY – In a move which prompted thunderous applause lasting over 15 minutes, the First Presbyterian Church of Hatter’s Bluff made the decision to move away from the decidedly unbiblical communion wafer towards the much more delicious, much more Christ-like loaf of fresh-baked sourdough bread.

Though the move was well-received, some in the church feel that sourdough is a move in the wrong direction. Some argue that Rye bread is the more “jewish” of the bread kingdom, and that it is, therefore, closer to the bread Jesus would have eaten. Others, however, feel that Jesus’ favorite bread is a European sweetbread. Says Tina Barfield, “The sweetness of the bread represents how sweet Jesus is towards those He has chosen.” Ron Henderson – a loyal deacon – agrees (albeit for different reasons), “Yeah. Sweet breads taste better, so I want them to use the best tasting bread.” Considering the prospect of using rye bread during the service elicits a shrill response, preceded by a loud shriek. “No. No, no, no! There is no way I will take the Lord’s supper if it tastes like cardboard and baby powder. Why not just put raisins or nuts in there while you're at it!?”

Some, however, have already begun Machivellian schemes to replace the Welch's grape juice with real wine. "These things take time," said our anonymous source. "You can't rush true reformation."

1 comment:

  1. A church I used to attend would serve Matzah bread, like the kind you can get at any grocery store, thinking this will more closely recreate the Last Supper, besides the fact that the "piercings" and "stripes" on the cracker are such useful symbols of the Lord's wounds. One day I took a look at a box of Matza bread at the store and noticed that on the box it read, "Not kosher for Passover."

    Houston, we have a problem.


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