Hey, kids! You know when parents are always saying that music today just isn't as good as it used to be? Well they're right! I, therefore, have decided to create this helpful guide to music so that you don't have to fear being misled by all these newfangled styles of music. God wants you to kick it like they did in the 18th century, and I'm here to help guide you down the right path.
The first thing to remember, kids, is that even though David played the harp, shook the tambourine, and banged on his drum all day, it's not necessarily cool with God if you try it.
Remember, it takes a trained professional like David to lay down the kind of riffs that he used to soothe that grumpy King Saul. Some of you may ask, what's the difference between the guitar and the harp? Why does God like the harp, but hate the guitar? Well, the answer is: fret changes. God doesn't like it when people make the pitch of a string change. Additionally, he finds it irritating when He can hear the fingers slide up the strings. Some may call it being picky, but He calls it just being a Baptist.
A little known fact: the devil actually invented the drum (as we know it) in 1908 at a gathering of Satanists. He told them exactly how to assemble the drum, from the drum head to the snare, from the lugs to the hoops, and of course the shell. After it was all put together, he taught Robert Johnson the blues, and gave another guy a pair of drum sticks. The rest is history! Another interesting fact: cymbals were invented by Martin Luther, long before the snare drum ever came around. It may be true that the Psalms command us to celebrate with the drums and tambourine, but that's Old Testament. We don't do that anymore, now that "the perfect has arrived" (and by "perfect" I mean "piano").
The upright bass wasn't made by the devil, as the drums were. But it was still invented by a very bad man. No one knows his name, but trust me. If the guy who invented the bass was a bad man, do you really want to have anything to do with it? I didn't think so.
Now here we go! This is the true instrument of the church! Along with the organ, the piano is probably the most divine and perfect instrument ever invented. I don't want to be guilty of exaggeration, but some say that as the piano plays "And Can It Be," you can actually hear the sounds of angels singing. This is, of course, the opposite of what happens when guitar and drums play the same song. Supposedly, the sounds of Hell can be heard through the mix. Especially if you play it backwards. True story. (Addendum: Some people have abused this beautiful instrument. These people include but are not limited to: Billy Joel, Thom Yorke, Jerry Lee Lewis, Alicia Keys, Ben Folds, Tori Amos, Michael W. Smith, and Aimee Mann. Stay away from them. Though they play the sacred piano, they do bang the keys a little harder than they should. Plus all of them violate the rules set forth in the next section.)
A few important directives are in order.
1) Emotionally performing a song is not required. This means the voice must remain under 50 decibles, and must not go so high as to be considered yelling. Vocals are to be a) robotic, b) monotone, and c) somewhat detached. Kind of like a Kraftwerk album, only without being evil, German, or techno.
2) Women should sing the high parts, because men singing in falsetto is just not right. And men should sing the low parts, because we don't have an upright bass, and someone has to fill in the low frequency.
3) Experimentalism is not permitted. This means a) keep it in a major key, b) stick to a 4/4 time signature, and c) only use the notes "C, G, D, and E" (and sometimes "A" if the spirit moves you so or if it's holiday season).
Remember: God wants you to have fun with music, but only if it fits into these categories. Mostly, though, He just wants it to sound right. Follow all of these directives, and you can put your guard down as you listen to your music, unafraid of demonic influence. Plus, you can rest safe in the knowledge that you are worshiping God the exact same way the Apostles did in 33 AD: with a piano (and if you're feeling really edgy, an organ).