Monday, November 26, 2007

Bring the Books Presents: Theolax

When we at Bring the Books started this blog, we agreed that it would exist for the good of the Reformed community. We never dreamed that it would become so popular so quickly. People are literally reading this blog by the dozens. And so now seems like just the right time to sell out to commercialism. So when we were approached by the folks at Theolax, it felt like an offer we couldn't refuse.

There was a time when matters of doctrine and theology caused division and difficulty in churches around the world. But now, with Theolax, no one will ever question the pastor's sermon again. There will be no more "difficult conversations" with curious congregants. Yes, you can speak from the pulpit about any topic you want.

Really enjoy Wednesday's episode of Lost? Just recount the episode during your sermon. Take the whole 20 minutes if you want; your congregation will eat it up. Are you really enjoying that show on the TV Guide Channel where they dress ordinary people up like celebrities? Tell your people about it! Was last night's Funniest Pets and People the unfunniest yet? Talk about it!

You see, with Theolax, your congregation will practically stop caring about theology at all (and haven't we all wished for that?).

There are some important pieces of information to keep in mind when administering Theolax to your congregation:

1. Theolax is best taken with coffee or some other stimulant which can counteract the sedative effects of Theolax. This means that you may need to get creative. Most pastors have found that Theolax is best dispensed in your church's coffee shop. Just put one teaspoon of theolax in the coffee maker and congregational life will be smooth sailing!
2. Theolax's effectiveness is substantially increased by moving images. Try video of flowing water or kids skateboarding on the overheads during worship time. Not only will your people have trouble grasping what little theology is in your music, but they will be entertained and distracted.
3. Theolax should only be taken weekly. An overdose of theolax can lead to a condition known as "Lucado-ism." You don't want a bunch of mindless zombies out there, so don't over-do it!

Theolax has been successfully used in hundreds of congregations, each of which now number in the trillions. Don't believe us? Just try counting all of the people who leave Saddleback church each Sunday. It literally cannot be done. Still don't believe us? Well, Willow Creek used to only have one member in its congregation. After using Theolax for only 6 weeks, even the Superdome was too small to contain the congregation.

Theolax. You deserve a big church. You deserve the best church.

Theolax does have a few side-effects. They're so minor that it's almost unnecessary to mention them, but Theolax's legal division says we can get sued if we don't mention them, though, so here goes:
Drymouth, diarrhea, vomiting, inverted spleen, body acne, greasy hair, sleepiness, propensity to talk slowly, sausage fingers, rectal fissures, watery eyes, runny nose, flag-waving, hair loss, dry eyes, enlarged nostrils, watching Desperate Housewives, bloody stool, heresy, heart murmur, flawed soteriology, love of everything Tim Lahay has ever said, exploding eyeballs, and most importantly, did we mention heresy!?


  1. Did you come up with this on your own? Good stuff!

  2. It was original. Expect more of that from Bring the Books. Original. Reformed. Humor.

    Thank you very much, heretic. I can tell from your name you have definitely been using Theolax.


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